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Zoomie! exposes Air Force drug use
In an effort to quell rumors that Air Force
maintainers are using drugs while on duty, Air Force officials released a
statement today explaining the situation.
According to unnamed Air Force sources, for years Air Force aircraft
maintainers have left work a lot “happier” than they were when they started
their shifts.
“I see them hauling 50-pound toolboxes up and down the air stairs in
100-plus degree heat all day long, and they always have these shit-eating
smiles on their faces. No one who does what they do should be that happy,”
said SrA. Jason Johnson, a security forces troop who spends most of his day
cruising the flightline in an air-conditioned truck. “They have to be taking
something illegal … and the bastards aren’t sharing!”
Master Sgt. Jason Biggs, a Flightline Dining Facility supervisor who
occasionally sees the maintainers from his office window, said he’s spent 19
and a half years on the flightline, and even he can’t figure out why the
maintenance troops are in such good spirits by the end of the workday.
“I have no clue why they’re so damn happy. But who the hell cares, I retire
in a couple of months and then I can start being ‘happy’ too,” said the
sergeant as he flashed the Doctor Evil quote fingers.
In the official press release distributed by the base information office
today, Air Force officials said, “The maintainers are in good spirits
because they belong to the greatest air and space force in the world, and
they know what they do each day is making a huge difference in helping
America win the Global War on Terrorism.”
Maintainers agreed … until they thought know one was listening.
“Is the Global War on Terrorism still going on? I thought we were dealing
with hurricanes, floods and earthquakes now,” said Maintainer Airman Jon
Decker as he wiped fresh mother’s milk from his lips. “Wow, dude, I thought
we were done with all that war stuff. How funny.”
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DISCLAIMER -- The information
contained in the Zoomie! Online newsletter has, in most cases, been extracted from
actual Air Force situations, experience, news and imagery; however, in the
spirit of entertainment, the information has been greatly embellished. |
