 Air
Force announces new Fit to Fight program
WASHINGTON,
D.C. -- Dismayed by the number of hefty Airmen the current Fit to
Fight program has failed to reach, Air Force officials recently added
a new device to it arsenal of fitness and nutritional tools.
The SnackShield 2000 -- based on the
tried and true
MCU-2AP
series protective mask -- is designed to shield
overweight Airmen from fat-building empty calories.
"We can make Airmen run until their feet
fall off, but when they're done pounding the pavement, we can't stop
them from dragging their bloody stumps to the nearest fast food
joint," said a colonel assigned to the Air Force Surgeon General's
office.
Much like chastity belts protected the
virginity of 16th century maidens, the SnackShield will protect
overweight Airmen from high-calorie foods. And, as in the current
Fit to Fight program, the commander holds the key to the program's
success ... literally. When it's time for an Airman to eat a
low-fat meal, their commander must unlock the devise.
Airmen are then given 15 minutes to gulp down a nutritious,
low-calorie meal before the
SnackShield is locked back into place.
During off-duty hours, Airmen protected
by the SnackShield are given packets of vitamin-packed powder, which
can be mixed with water and devoured using a device similar to the
straw on the M40 series protective mask. The
straw is fitted with a tiny wire screen to prevent Airmen from
blending and gulping down fatty foods, such as cheeseburgers, chicken
nuggets and candy bars.
That hasn't stopped some Airmen from
trying.
"Have you ever tried to jam a Big Mac
into a juice machine?" said one of the SnackShield's newest
recruits. "I have, and it wasn't pretty."
Despite an Airman's attempts to thwart
the new nutritional device, Air Force officials say they are confident
the SnackShield will turn hundreds of fat, unproductive
bluesuiters into lean, mean combat Airmen.
But the SnackShield isn't the
service's last resort, according to a top Air Force officer.
"We're willing to do whatever it takes to
turn this service into the Army, er, I mean, the Air and Space Force
of the future," said the anonymous two-star who has reportedly
accepted a lucrative job offer from the company that designed the
SnackShield 2000. "We're confident this device will work,
but if it doesn't, we're ready to implement a new, more aggressive
fitness program. I can't giveaway the details, but let's just
say it involves razor-sharp knives, vacuums and tapeworms." |
