Realistic Fitness Tips

REALISTIC FITNESS TIPS ...

Below is a list of the average fitness tips we've all seen printed in our base newspaper and on flyers at the local Health and Wellness Center. Under each tip is my translation (for those of us who've been living off of beer and Coco Puffs and who have visited the gym only when we had to attend a mandatory briefing for the Fat Boy program).

Tip No. 1 -- Change your attitude about fitness. All too often, people think of exercise as punishment. If this is how you feel, you have already set yourself up for failure. Instead, think of exercise as a little time to yourself and a way to improve the quality of your life.

Realistic Tip No. 1 - If you hate exercise before you start an exercise program, chances are you're going to keep that attitude for several months into your new fitness regimen. Deal with it. You're not setting yourself up for failure; you're being realistic.

Tip No. 2 - If you are a beginner, start small. Try walking for 30 minutes three or four times a week. Take the stairs instead of the elevator and park in the back of parking lots. If you need more of a challenge, pick a sport or activity that piques your interest, like kickboxing, rock-climbing or train for a 5- or 10-kilometer run.

Realistic Tip No. 2 - If you're a beginner, start small? No kidding? How else would you start. "Hey, I haven't exercised in 10 years, I think I'll go out and run 2 miles today." You'll make it 50 feet before you realize your chest hurts and you've lost the feeling in your left arm. And now is not the time to find "a sport or activity that interests you." It's going to be hard enough to find time for 30 minutes of exercise, let alone other activities. And most sports will do little for your waistline. You need good old fashion, painful aerobic activity. Most sports are anaerobic, which means you won't lose fat as fast as you would on a treadmill, stair-stepper or elliptical machine. Fat needs oxygen to burn. "Aerobic" means "with oxygen." "Anaerobic" means, you guess it, "without oxygen." With anaerobic activities, short-term energy stores are rapidly depleted, you burn more carbs than you do fat (about 95 percent carbs, and 5 percent fat), and lactic acid builds up in your muscles (too much lactic acid is what causes your muscles to quit during exercise. Lactic acid is also responsible for the burn you feel during exercise and the soreness you feel with 48 hours following exercise). Anaerobic activity does have its benefits. Anaerobic activity helps build muscle stamina, and anaerobic exercise can help you burn fat indirectly, after the exercise is complete (your muscles use lactic acid to form glycogen, which provides your body with more energy, which, in turn, burns fat). Also, if the fitness tip uses a frilly little word like "pique," it can't be much of a fitness tip.

Tip No. 3 - Choose an exercise buddy who will hold you accountable and help motivate and encourage you.

Realistic Tip No. 3 - Choose a fat friend who has similar exercise habits (or the lack thereof). Picking this type of person will undoubtedly make you feel better about yourself, especially when they wuss out and stop joining you at the gym. Also, don't call them your "exercise buddy" unless you want the other gym patrons to kick your butt.

Tip No. 4 - Experts say anything done for 21 days is habit forming and when done for six months, it becomes part of your personality.

Realistic Tip No. 4 - If anything done for 21 days was habit forming, millions of people would be skinny former smokers. Also, I don't need to hear that in six months I will become one of those people I currently despise. Just tell me that in six months I'll look and feel like a god, and exercise won't be as painful to me.

Tip No. 5 - Use the facilities you have around you, like the base gym. The base offers a variety of group fitness classes, including step-aerobics, spinning, kickboxing, yoga and Pilates.

Realistic Tip No. 5 - You're fat and out of shape. The more interaction you have with skinny, healthy people, the worse you're going to feel about yourself, which means you'll gain an even lower self esteem, which will drive you into fits of depression and possible harm to yourself and others. Try to keep "public" exercising to a minimum for a couple of months (at least wait until you firm up those man breast enough that they don't bounced when you jog in place). Also, despite what other people claim, even if your sole purpose is goggling the females exercising around you, you will lose severe masculinity points by participating in fu-fu activities such as step-aerobics, yoga and Pilates.

Tip No. 6 - Set attainable goals and write them down in an exercise journal. Use the journal to track your progress, workouts and meals. This gives you a visual record of your strengths and weaknesses.

Realistic Tip No. 6 - Let's not fool ourselves, we just started working out. We have no strengths and our goals are laughable. Keeping a journal now will only reinforce the fact that you are closer to a heart attack than you ever imagined. Start slow, be safe, and after a month or two of regular exercise, pull out that journal and start tracking.

Tip No. 7 - Reward yourself after attaining your goals. Buy a new pair of shoes for sticking to your first week of workouts, get a massage after you've lost your first five pounds, buy a new outfit for working up to 25 push-ups, and take a vacation for dropping two dress sizes.

Realistic Tip No. 7 - Yeah, as long as your reward isn't a box of Oreo cookies with a milkshake chaser, Tip No. 7 sounds good to me. I'd only add ... don't treat yourself to a massage until you've lost at least 30 pounds. Nobody should have to rub the fat rolls that form waves along your back.

Tip No. 8 - Learn healthy eating habits. Eat at least five servings of fruits and vegetables and drink eight 8-ounce glasses of water every day. Switch to whole-wheat grain breads, rice and pasta. Also, eating a variety of healthy, natural food helps the body recover from workouts faster and allows you to training harder. Don't skip meals. Skipping meals can lower your metabolism and hinder weight loss.

Realistic Tip No. 8 - OK, this is a fairly realistic tip. Drinking lots of water (I've heard half your body weight in ounces) each day, and not skipping meals (this means breakfast, too), will be a big help in losing weight and having enough energy to move your fat butt off of the couch and on to the treadmill. I will add that oatmeal is a quick, easy breakfast meal that's good for energy and lowering your cholesterol. Also, remember, "White bread, bad. Wheat bread, good."